Memorial Day

The celebration and remembrance of those we lost. I’ve lost so many friends and brothers in Iraq and Afghanistan that I don’t really know how to even deal with it. It’s been a decade but it never feels like a long time. It’s always there scratching away at the back of my head.

 

I miss all those guys who we lost on Dec 1st, and all those after. Until Valhalla brothers.

Thing appear to be looking up

So A1 has been more intimate and been putting forth the effort to reconnect with me. She’s being more understanding, more snuggly, more loving.

I’m cautiously optimistic. I’m still cleaning up and packing up but that’s all I can really do.

 

We’ve been watching Scandal together, snuggling and I even think the cats can tell things have changed a little bit. Still no sex for me in 2017 though.

What would you do?

What would you want to leave behind?

How do you even try to think of that? After a lifetime of pushing people away and/or letting the wrong ones get too close.

I no longer talk to my family.

  • My Grandmother (Maternal) has cut all ties with me and my parents over an imagined slight. She claims she had no idea that we were going to LA for my daughter’s first communion even though I talked to her about it more than once, and my parents dropped off their cats there for her to watch.
  • My Parents always figure out some way to screw me over of having time alone with my daughter when I only have her once a year for the most part. Then they told me that I was lucky they even let me see my daughter.
  • My Family (Paternal side) has barely been in my life since pretty much birth. If I get a birthday card it’s a fucking miracle. I might as well be a stranger. It’s been like that my entire life.

Most of my friends:

  • Either no longer talk to me for one reason or another
  • or live so far away that it’s a moot point that we are still friends.

Eugene would say that this is just me being a victim, I would disagree. These are all facts. These are things I choose to dwell on. These are things that bother me almost daily.

Now if this is how your life has been going, how do you change it? How do you leave something behind worthwhile if you can’t change it? Also is my life worth changing? I haven’t hugged a single person without them trying to end it as quickly as possible in years. I live with my girlfriend and we haven’t kissed in at least a year. Sex? Year also.

We don’t even sleep in the same bed or bedroom any more. On the weekends when we would be able to spend time together she goes to NYC to “train and workout” Yet for 4 years I see absolutely zero results from all this working out. Possibly maintaining but nothing to warrant all the time put into it.

Well anyway that’s just some of things on my mind as I draft up these emails that might never get sent.

There’s no quick fix for emotional abuse

I can only write from a man’s perspective being a man.  I can think of how a woman maybe deal with it or what I think a woman might think but It would never be right.

Well anyway. Emotional abuse is actually one of the worst things I have ever had to deal with. It’s denial. Denial of affection. Denial of communication. Denial of support. It’s all the things that would drive someone insane in solitary in prison. That’s where you live. You live inside your own headspace all the time. In solitary. Always feeling the crushing feelings of what is waiting, those bad feelings, those bad vibes.

It’s what I grew up with. It was my homelife. I knew 2 things, television, and what a truly fucked up family was, and to me that was love. That’s what I began associating love with in my early life. Still till today when someone treats me poorly, I feel good about them. I even love women who probably actually hate me.

This sent me down a spiral of toxic and abusive relationships. I was drawn to unhealthy relationships. Still now as a 30 something year old man, I am in them. The lack of affection is the worst. The feeling of being trapped. The feeling of being here but being unwanted. The feeling that they don’t want you but don’t want you to be with anyone else.

 

How can this go on? How can I allow this to continue? Yet I do every single day I’m here. I allow it over and over and over.

Have you ever written a suicide note?

I have. I have written quite a few. I’ve written them when feeling down, when I was unsure of how to continue. This is the first time I’ve written 25 and saved them and given access to my email to a buddy to send out in case something happens.

I’m not really sure if they are actually suicide notes or not. They are notes about how I feel about that person. My thoughts, dreams, everything I think they should know once I’m gone.

I still don’t know if it’s selfish or not to write these.

I don’t know if they would want to read them or not.

I wrote to my daughter and tell her how amazing she is. How she shouldn’t accept anyone who doesn’t want the best for her in her life.

I write to old friends. I write to old lovers and tell them what they taught me.

I write to the ones I should have fought for. The ones I love, the ones I’ve loved for the longest time and it doesn’t make a difference.

 

Have you ever written a suicide note?

So why am I creating this?

Well mainly because I feel compelled to. I need to share my thoughts and basically I have no one that I would really want to burden with everything I feel/think

My Girlfriend (Let’s just call her A1 for now)  is asexual, which wouldn’t be the worst thing but she is also anti-affectionate and honestly a little mean. I’m basically in an emotionally abusive relationship that my friends have warned me against but I feel like a junkie and keep getting sucked back in. Or not leaving, but I digress. We can talk about all that in a future post.

Basically I am writing all this as a brutally honest representation of my life. My thoughts, my dreams, my fuckups my failures and all the shit in between. I focused on fuckups and failures because well…they are usually more damaging than the wins. Also people should learn from other’s mistakes.