I can only write from a man’s perspective being a man. I can think of how a woman maybe deal with it or what I think a woman might think but It would never be right.
Well anyway. Emotional abuse is actually one of the worst things I have ever had to deal with. It’s denial. Denial of affection. Denial of communication. Denial of support. It’s all the things that would drive someone insane in solitary in prison. That’s where you live. You live inside your own headspace all the time. In solitary. Always feeling the crushing feelings of what is waiting, those bad feelings, those bad vibes.
It’s what I grew up with. It was my homelife. I knew 2 things, television, and what a truly fucked up family was, and to me that was love. That’s what I began associating love with in my early life. Still till today when someone treats me poorly, I feel good about them. I even love women who probably actually hate me.
This sent me down a spiral of toxic and abusive relationships. I was drawn to unhealthy relationships. Still now as a 30 something year old man, I am in them. The lack of affection is the worst. The feeling of being trapped. The feeling of being here but being unwanted. The feeling that they don’t want you but don’t want you to be with anyone else.
How can this go on? How can I allow this to continue? Yet I do every single day I’m here. I allow it over and over and over.