What would you want to leave behind?
How do you even try to think of that? After a lifetime of pushing people away and/or letting the wrong ones get too close.
I no longer talk to my family.
- My Grandmother (Maternal) has cut all ties with me and my parents over an imagined slight. She claims she had no idea that we were going to LA for my daughter’s first communion even though I talked to her about it more than once, and my parents dropped off their cats there for her to watch.
- My Parents always figure out some way to screw me over of having time alone with my daughter when I only have her once a year for the most part. Then they told me that I was lucky they even let me see my daughter.
- My Family (Paternal side) has barely been in my life since pretty much birth. If I get a birthday card it’s a fucking miracle. I might as well be a stranger. It’s been like that my entire life.
Most of my friends:
- Either no longer talk to me for one reason or another
- or live so far away that it’s a moot point that we are still friends.
Eugene would say that this is just me being a victim, I would disagree. These are all facts. These are things I choose to dwell on. These are things that bother me almost daily.
Now if this is how your life has been going, how do you change it? How do you leave something behind worthwhile if you can’t change it? Also is my life worth changing? I haven’t hugged a single person without them trying to end it as quickly as possible in years. I live with my girlfriend and we haven’t kissed in at least a year. Sex? Year also.
We don’t even sleep in the same bed or bedroom any more. On the weekends when we would be able to spend time together she goes to NYC to “train and workout” Yet for 4 years I see absolutely zero results from all this working out. Possibly maintaining but nothing to warrant all the time put into it.
Well anyway that’s just some of things on my mind as I draft up these emails that might never get sent.